What was the event or realization that lead me to lose weight?

Stress, Grief, Anxiety, Depression, Frustrated, ShameI have tried loosing weight several times past but it never stuck. Past failures, low self esteem, general stress all served to keep me from meaningful weight loss.

I had several great reasons to lose weight:

  • My weight made me feel ashamed.
  • My weight made me feel depressed.
  • My weight made me feel angry.
  • My weight made me feel frustrated.
  • My weight made me feel defensive.
  • My weight made me feel alone.
  • My weight made me feel self-conscious.
  • My weight made me feel inadequate.
  • My weight made me feel like an outsider.
  • My weight made me feel as if I didn’t belong.
  • My weight made me feel unworthy of love.
  • My weight made me feel unworthy of friendship.
  • My weight made me feel unworthy of compassion.
  • My weight made me feel like a prisoner in my own body.
  • My weight made shopping for clothes difficult and expensive.
  • My weight caused me terrible and debilitating back aches.
  • My weight caused me to break several office chairs.

But none of those things were enough to motivate me to change. My change came as a result of a year long series of events that started towards the end of 2012. My weight was causing me to feel terrible. I wasn’t sleeping thru the night. Sometimes my heart would start racing. I started feeling random chest pains. I would get powerful migraines that made me feel as if my scull was about to explode. One morning while sitting at my desk I started feeling sick, sweaty, cold, and my chest was hurting. My boss was concerned that I was experiencing some sort of a heart attack and encouraged me to go to the emergency room. After tons of blood work and monitoring it was concluded that what I had experienced was simply a pulled chest muscle and not a heart attack. Apparently I had pulled a chest muscle while helping a neighbor push his car home one afternoon. I was prescribed some muscle relaxers and sent on my way. A while later I followed up with my doctor who diagnosed me with high-blood pressure and prescribed me Lisinopril and Amlodipine.

About two months later I experienced yet another health issue I started to find blood in my stool. I was bleeding rectally yet again I found myself visiting the emergency room. I stepped on the scale and as a part of the initial check-in and this was the first time it hit me that my weight was killing me slowly. The readout on the scale was 438 lbs I realized that I was 62 pounds away from weight a quarter of a ton. That number was astounding to me who could I have let things go this far. A few weeks later I found myself in a hospital enduring a colonoscopy to determine the source of the bleeding. As it turns out I had developed a hernia on my rectum. Caused possibly due to my weight or perhaps the fact that I was constantly sitting because I could barely walk for extended periods of time. They extracted some polyps’ from my intestines that fortunately turned out to be benign.

I had suffered a lot and I’d been extremely lucky considering that diabetes, cancer and heart disease is prevalent in my family. Something had to change I knew that my fortune was going to start running out and I knew that I wasn’t being a good steward of my body. Even after all this it would be another 9 months before I would find the thing that would get me on the right path. But thats a story for next time.

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