Current Weight is 269.8 lbs
Previous Weight was 267.2 lbs
I gained 2.6 lbs this week. I was aiming to lose 3 lbs. I worked out 6 days last week and burned an average of 1700 calories per day in exercise. Consumed an average of 1300 – 1700 calories per on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. The rest of the week was a wreck. It all started with what I should have known to be a bad idea from the start. Wednesday had been a fairly stressful day because of the direction one of my work projects took. I was upset and feeling frustrated. At the end of the day the ball was in my court and I got to choose the best way to move forward which allowed me to feel some control over the situation.
Stress is one of those emotions that I have a hard time dealing with it just drains me. So on Thursday morning when I arrived at my office after my workout I decided to go visit the vending machine and I grabbed a candy bar. I put the candy bar on my desk and I debated whether or not I should eat it. The thoughts came into my mind how I’d been doing great I had lost 1.5 lbs so far and that it wouldn’t harm me. After some rationalization I went ahead and ate it. As you can imagine the feeling of emptiness that I was trying to fill was not gone if anything I felt resentment and guilt for having eaten it. Which began to foster doubt and insecurity in myself leading me down a dark path. On my drive home that afternoon I stopped at my local bakery and picked up 4 freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. I ended up having those for dinner I was to ashamed to even log them in my calorie counter app. I went to bed that evening feeling broken and lost. I don’t understand why I’m sliding down this path again. I fell asleep feeling sad and hoped that the next day would be better.
Woke up on Friday morning and was feeling hungry which is of no surprise considering all I had been eating was crap and my body was craving nutrition. I had access to food in the fridge but I was craving comfort. I decided to go out for breakfast figuring that I would keep track of the calories and just watch what I ate for the rest of the day with caution but that was not going to happen. Instead I kept eating junk I visited the bakery again that afternoon and picked up another 4 cookies for me to snack on later after I came home from dinner at my mother’s. If the stress from the week had not been enough I got a call from my bank that my debit card had been stolen and someone in Virginia was attempting to use it. This has been the third time in my life I’ve had to deal with my credentials being stolen. I arrived at the house after having had dinner and I was feeling full to the brim but those stupid cookies were waiting for me when I got home. Sure enough I ate them.
When I got on the scale on Saturday I could see the damage I’d done to myself over the last few days was starting to take effect. I felt alone, I felt lost, I felt shame, I felt despair and many other terrible emotions. I went to the bakery once again and picked up another 4 cookies (you may wonder why 4 every time and I’m not quite sure I think it might be an OCD type of thing). I was arriving at that stage in the grieving process where we start to barter and make justifications for our actions. I was committed that this would be the end of it but little did I know that my greatest failure was still to come. After my workout and breakfast on Sunday I took a shower and got myself ready to get my groceries for the week. It really sucks that there is a bakery next to the produce isle at my grocery store. I picked up my veggies and fruit for the week. I made my rounds and grabbed some other minor things I needed for the week but I could feel the pull of the cookies in the bakery. I has managed to walk past them and also managed to avoid the cookie isle in the store. I wanted some more cookies (starting to get the impression I might have something in common with the Cookie Monster) so I said to myself lets be smart about this just buy two and be done with it. I walked up to the counter and asked for two cookies the attendant at the counter proceeded to remind me that they had cookies on sale that day and that I would get a better deal if I were to purchase a box. Hell who could argue with saving money right so sure enough that box of cookies was added to my shopping cart.
I ate them all. I could not stop at just the two that I had intended it was as if I had lost all self control and was falling down and endless pit. The deed was done I had failed myself. This vortex of negative emotions that all started with one candy bar as a stress reliever turned into a full on weekend of binge eating. I woke up this morning and got ready for the gym to work out wondering if I would be brave enough to publish this and reveal to the world how I had failed. After thinking about it during my workout I came to the realization that I’m not alone and that this was important to share. Not just for my own accountability but also because it might help someone who suffers the same way I do in my relationship with food. I’m far from perfect but I know that I need to forgive myself and find away to deal with these emotions in a way that does not revolve around food. I need to quit using food as a reward for good behavior. I also need to learn to stop and think before I eat if I’m doing it because I’m truly hungry or if something else is going on.
Goal for this week is to consume no more than 1756 calories per day. Burn an average of 1100 calories per day in exercise over 6 day period. Weight loss goal is to lose 3.4 lbs.