It’s been a while …

I haven’t shared anything for a few months now because I’ve been dealing with some unexpected health issues. Oddly enough it was one of the health issues that provoked me to lose the weight initially. Somewhere around September of 2013 I was diagnosed with hemorrhoids. At the time I was told that it was due to my weight (438 lbs) and my sedentary lifestyle. Over the last year and half I managed to lose over 200 lbs and I adopted a more active lifestyle. So I thought that this condition was behind me no pun intended, but around the middle of May I began excruciating pain and was forced to go to the doctor. Apparently my hemorrhoid had developed a blood clot and was causing me to be in a substantial amount of pain. I was prescribed some expensive medication and was sent home to heal. I took some time off from work and things seemed to be getting better the pain had subsided.

On May 14th I showed up to work and began my day as per normal I was preparing some notes for a morning staff meeting when all of the sudden I began to feel dampness from the area where the hemorrhoid was located. I made my way to the rest room and discovered that I was bleeding. I didn’t think much of it on account that I had experienced this issue before when I was first diagnosed with the condition. The problem was that the bleeding would not stop and I kept having to attend to myself. Eventually I felt that I had no other recourse than to go the local Emergency Room. By then I had managed to bleed thru my clothes and I was feeling quite scared. Fortunately the staff at the hospital gave me some peace of mind in that the color of the blood was bright which meant that there was no infection. My hospital visit ended up with my having to have emergency surgery to remove the hemorrhoid. As you can imagine the recovery process for this type of surgery has been quite slow and as a result it limited my ability to stick to my workout schedule.

Over the last 2 months since I had the surgery I’ve managed to gain back about 16 lbs mostly because I found myself slipping back into old habits to help me cope with emotional stress. I gravitated towards junk food giving myself the excuse that I desserved to relax my nutrition while I heal up. I was maybe a bit resentful that my hard work and dedication to weight loss did not keep the hemorrhoid from becoming an issue again. As it turns out the cause of the hemorrhoids was due to an issue with my digestive system which as a result requires me to use a stool softener as a part of my life from here on out. I haven’t been going to the gym because the medication that I’m taking has resulted in some less than pleasant side effects. I’ve been trying to find a way to regulate the medication so that I may find a comfortable way to return to my fitness routine but the process has been slow.

For the last few weeks I kept finding myself repeating the old cycle of eating garbage and thinking to myself on Monday I will get back to my healthy eating habits. I realize that in the grand scheme of things 16 lbs is not a major disaster but for me it has been incredibly alarming. I thought that I would never want to go back to the way I was, but I can’t lie and say that the idea of being carefree and not paying attention to what I put into my body has not been attractive to me. My clothes have started to feel tight and old aches and pains have been returning. I’ve been feeling pity and shame for myself because I’ve allowed myself to slip back into my old ways.

This is the first week in which I’ve been able to stick to my guns and I have not slipped up even though temptation has been at every corner. Today I stepped on the scale and saw that I was 243 lbs a number which instantly startled me because prior to my surgery I weighed 227 lbs. It was a sobering number to see and it helped me to refocus today because I was starting to feel the pull of the old self to give myself a treat. I had avoided stepping on the scale since the surgery because I wanted to focus on healing and not worry about any potential weight gain as a result of not being able to keep up my previously active lifestyle.

I share all of this as a way to help me stay accountable for what is going on in my life and in the hopes that it will help remind us all that there is no finish line to this journey and that we will come across obstacles and setbacks but we must never give up.

“it’s not how many times you fall down. it’s how many times you get back up” – Vince Lombardi

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